Ways to tell someone that you have an STI
Spreading the news about having a STI is undoubtedly very embarrassing and a situation that no one really wants to be in. However, with growing numbers for contracted STIs in Ireland, STIs are becoming a bigger problem year on year. A great way to minimize risk is to have an open discussion about STIs with your partners and to get checked regularly. If you do have an STI, it is important to tell ex-partners as many STIs do not have any symptoms, and if left untreated for long periods of time can have long lasting impacts on health (e.g. infertility).
Noone can deny that this can be a difficult and stressful job. People are often unsure of what would be the best way to tell their partners or ex-partners. As a result we have put together a list of some of the worst ways to tell someone followed by some of the best ways. Let’s begin with some of the worst...
1. Social Status - STI No no!
A social media status tagging all the people that you have been sexually involved with definitely has to be be one of the worst ways to tell someone about an STI. Doing it in such an open and public manner will demonstrate a lack of respect, and can cause a great deal of unnecessary attention, heartache, and shame. If you are not one to think about others, then think about this. By outing people in such a public way you also publically out yourself, is this something you really want? If social media is you way of communicating, then a private message would be a much better option for this occasion.
2. A drunken message - No STI coverage
Alongside physical activity, adopting a healthy diet increases your resistance to stress. Well-nourished bodies are better prepared to cope with stress, so be mindful of what you eat. Reducing caffeine and sugar will also help as they only provide temporary "highs" that often end with a “crash”. Reducing your intake of coffee, soft drinks, chocolate and sugary snacks will result in a better night’s sleep too.
3. Straight after orgasiming - “Welcome to the STI club”
Though honesty is the best policy, and it is rumoured that men are most honest in the few minutes post ejaculation, let me reassure you that this is NOT the right time to tell your partner that you have an STI. Still not convinced? Well just remember, ‘Prevention is better than cure’. A conversation about STIs is destined to take place before sex, not after it. Telling a person before hand allows them to understand the situation they are in and also helps both partners prepare for safe sex. In contrast to some of the worst ways to tell someone about an STI that you have contracted, here are some recommendations on some of the better ways to inform your partners or ex-partners
4. Tell them in person
Having a face-to-face conversation is definitely the best way to tell some about an STI. This is especially the case if the person is a current partner. I understand the thought of this could be a little scary, but sometimes in life we just have to take responsibility. Although STIs do have a lot of stigma associated with them, STIs are very common diseases and there really is nothing to be ashamed of. In 2014, there were 12,626 reported cases of Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs) in Ireland, up 4% from the previous year (HPSC, 2015). Having a conversation face to face allows for a two way conversation, meaning that your partner is able to ask questions and discuss the issue with you. By being knowledgeable and prepared with answers to their questions with information about the STI, you can help your partner digest the information more easily and you can discuss the best options for moving forward, including getting your partner tested, preparing for safe sex etc.
5. Tell them over the phone
Though telling people in person would be a preferred option, telling ex partners about having an STI over the phone can be a perfectly viable option. Remember, all the advice from above still applies, so try to keep a positive tone, be prepared with knowledge about the disease and treatment options, and be prepared for a variety of responses. Most people in life are reasonable and understanding, but on the chance that someone does have a bad reaction, just remind yourself that you have taken a responsible step and done your best in a bad situation.
6. Sending a text message
This option may not win you any awards for bravery, but if you have had a large number of sexual partners, it may be the most practical option. Remember to keep a positive tone, and be sure to recommend a website link where ex sexual partners can learn more about STIs and how to get checked for an STI. If you still can’t pluck up the courage to do it yourself, some doctors will also send out anonymous messages to people informing them than an ex-partner has an STI and that they should get tested. There are also an array of apps and websites that will do the same job. If you are to use these tools, make sure you do so carefully and responsibly!
6. Sweet STI - It’s on the cake
Now this may not technically be the best way to tell someone they have may or may not have an STI, but it is certainly one of the most delicious ways to tell them. Presenting a cake with a little message on it, can be a nice (and somewhat romantic) way of broaching the subject. If this is the option you choose, I would definitely recommend a personal delivery. On that basis… you may even want to bake the cake or cookie yourself.
If done correctly, this could actually be one of the sweetest ways (excuse the pun) to tell someone all about your STI. Yes, the experience may be bitter sweet, but you are sure to win some brownie points for it. After all, there is little in life that a nice hot cuppa tea and piece of cake can’t resolve.
What I wouldn’t strongly advise however, is getting a personalised cake made at a local bakers and getting them to deliver it for you. This could be a massive disaster, especially if the person it is intended for is not at home… awkward!!!
Choosing which way to tell someone about your STI may vary depending on your situation. I cannot say there is no right or wrong way, but as we have seen above there are methods we should probably avoid due to lack of privacy and respect for the other person.
Some key things to emphasise while going through the process is that STIs are common diseases that are easily spread and contracted. Though some like Chlamydia and Gonorrhea are completely treatable, others like Hepatitis B are not. These diseases can however be managed. As STIs can vary significantly, it is important to make sure you understand the STI that you have and are able to answer questions about it and/or provide information (perhaps in the form of a leaflet).
Another thing to note is that you do not need to be ashamed or apologetic because you have an STI. People's attitudes often reflect that of others, so if you have a negative mindset about it, it is likely that your partner may mirror this negativity. Try to be positive, calm, and knowledgeable about the matter.
Finally, remember that the news you present may come as a shock to your partner, so allow them time to register what you are saying. They are entitled to have their feelings, so be patient with their reactions (even if they are not the desired reactions you were looking for). With a little time to register the information, both parties should be able to have a good discussion about the problem and discuss the best plan of action going forward.